5 Phrases That Work Better Than, "Ma'am, I need you to calm down."

Have you ever found yourself in a heated conversation with a customer, desperately wanting to say, "Just calm down!"? If so, you're not alone. But here's the thing: telling someone to calm down is like throwing gasoline on a fire. It doesn't work, and it often makes the situation worse.

Let's face it, we've all been on the receiving end of that phrase. Remember the last time someone told you to calm down during an argument? How did that work out? Exactly. It's no different with our customers.

So, what can we do instead? How can we de-escalate tense situations without pushing our customers into a corner? Let's dive into some effective strategies that will help you maintain control and provide excellent service, even when emotions are running high.

The Push-Back Phenomenon

Before we get to the solutions, let's understand why telling someone to calm down is so counterproductive. It's all about human nature.

Imagine this scenario: You're standing face-to-face with a partner. They start pushing against your palm. What's your instinctive reaction? You push back, right? That's exactly what happens when we tell a customer to calm down. We're essentially pushing them, and their natural response is to push back - often with more intensity.

The Customer's Perspective

Put yourself in your customer's shoes for a moment. When they're upset, they often see the situation as "us vs. them." In their mind, you're on the side of the problem, defending it, maybe even making it worse. This perception creates an invisible battle line, with the customer on one side and you (along with the problem) on the other.

Our job is to erase that line and show the customer we're on their side. We're not the enemy - the problem is. And just like them, we want to solve it.

5 Phrases That Work Better Than "Calm Down"

So, how do we convey this alliance to our customers? Here are five powerful phrases that can help:

1. "We want to get to the bottom of this as much as you do."

This phrase immediately aligns you with the customer. It shows that you share their goal and are committed to finding a solution.

2. "It sounds like you've had a frustrating experience."

Leading with "it sounds like" or "it seems like" validates the customer's feelings without judgment. It shows you're listening and empathizing.

3. "I know these things can feel like they take forever."

Acknowledging the customer's perception of time shows understanding and patience. It can help diffuse frustration over perceived delays.

4. "If I were in your shoes, I think I'd feel the same way."

This phrase is empathy in action. It shows the customer you understand their position and aren't dismissing their feelings.

5. "We appreciate customers who let us know when things aren't right."

Thanking the customer for their feedback turns a negative into a positive. It shows you value their input and are committed to improvement.

The Power of Validation

These phrases work because they give customers what they're really seeking: to be heard and acknowledged. When we validate their feelings and experiences, we're not pushing back - we're opening a door to constructive dialogue.

Remember, your goal isn't to win an argument or prove the customer wrong. It's to resolve the issue and maintain a positive relationship. By using these phrases, you're creating a collaborative atmosphere where solutions can flourish.

Download my De-escalation Checklist to get 15 phrases to help you get angry customers to back down!

Putting It Into Practice

Implementing these strategies takes practice. Here are a few tips to help you get started:

• Listen actively: Pay attention to the customer's words and tone. Often, they'll give you clues about how to respond effectively.
• Pause before responding: Take a deep breath and collect your thoughts. This brief moment can help you respond more calmly and professionally.
• Use a calm, steady tone: Your voice can be a powerful tool in de-escalating situations. Keep your tone even and reassuring.
• Focus on solutions: Once you've acknowledged the customer's feelings, guide the conversation towards resolving the issue.

By mastering these techniques, you'll be able to handle even the most challenging customer interactions with grace and professionalism. Remember, it's not about telling customers to calm down - it's about giving them reasons to feel calm. With practice, you'll find yourself naturally defusing tense situations and turning frustrated customers into satisfied ones.

So the next time you're tempted to tell a customer to calm down, pause and try one of these phrases instead. You might be surprised at how quickly the conversation turns around.

If you need help lowering the temperature with angry customers when you can't meet their expectations, my LinkedIn Learning course, De-escalating Customer Service Conversations, may help.

Why you've been unsuccessful with angry customers from De-Escalating Conversations for Customer Service by Myra Golden